When God Doesn't Show Up!

It was my privilege to have my friend Tammy Joy Richards, featured author in the book Dreaming Big Being Bold, on my most recent segment of Contagious Courage. She shared her birth story and explained why it was titled, "The Gift of Disruption".

I was delighted that Tammy accepted my invitation to return as my guest blogger and share her story in more detail. Tammy has opened up her heart to reveal some of the darkest days of her depression. As you walk with her, you will see how a woman with no hope can turn her life around and find joy.

"While things in my life didn't always go as I had hoped or planned, God has taken my pain and brokenness and turned it into something beautiful. I thank God for the disruptions in my life, because I have learnt to draw strength from Him daily." Tammy Joy Richards

When God Doesn't Show Up! By Tammy Joy Richards

Martha and her sister Mary were faithful followers of Christ. Throughout His ministry she had watched Him perform numerous miracles. Healing the blind, feeding the hungry, freeing the oppressed. I would imagine that when Martha’s brother fell deathly ill she didn’t have the slightest doubt that Jesus would heal him. I bet the thought that he would actually die didn’t even cross her mind. She knew that Jesus was the Messiah, and if He would perform such miraculous healings in the lives of complete strangers, surely He would do the same for her brother whom she knew that He dearly loved.

So Martha sent word, go find Jesus and tell Him that He must come quickly. Lazarus has fallen ill, and we need Him.

Then she waited. She waited, and she watched. She watched her brother’s condition slowly decline. She watched to see Jesus coming from afar off. But Jesus didn’t come, and Lazarus got worse.

Finally, the friends that she had sent to Jesus returned. They told her they had found Him. They had told Him Lazarus was sick. It was the strangest thing. He didn’t leave to come with them right away like they thought He would, but He said that Lazarus’ sickness would not end in death.

He didn’t come? What do you mean He didn’t come?

Perhaps Jesus didn’t care as much as she thought He did. Perhaps He was too busy and didn’t have time to tend to their needs. Perhaps everything she believed about Him was a lie!

And how could He say that Lazarus would not die when here he was slowly getting worse? The physicians had told them it was only a matter of time. As she watched her brother’s body draw its final breath, her faith in the one that she had so dearly loved died right along with him.

Have you ever felt like Martha? Crying out to God to deliver you or someone you loved from a sickness or some adversity and wondering why He hasn’t chosen to show up yet?

24 hrs after my son Riley was born my life forever changed. I was tending to him and preparing to lay down for the night when suddenly I began to feel extreme anxiety, to the point where I could no longer hold the baby and had to call for the nurse to come and get him. I spent the rest of that night rocking myself back and forth trying to overcome this new fear that had gripped me with a force that I was unable to fight. It was one of the scariest moments of my life.

That night was the start of what became a very deep, dark postpartum depression.

Something that I barely even believed in up to that point. Despite being a nurse, I had always thought that people who were depressed just simply couldn't deal with their “issues” and they needed to get over it. I soon learned that this couldn’t be farther from the truth. I had many people tell me during that time that I just needed to “fight it” and I would be better, and so I tried with everything that was in me to do that, but it wasn’t that simple. It felt like it was so much bigger than me. I tried to explain it to my friends and family, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make them completely understand what I was going through. Not because they didn't care, but because unless you have been there you just can’t understand what it's like.

I began to live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and sadness. It felt as if a dark cloud had covered me and there was no way to get out from under it.

I couldn't tend to my two children, I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, and I felt like no matter how hard I tried I was sinking deeper and deeper into a cold dark pit. I had anxiety when I was around people, and yet I was afraid to be alone.

For two months I carried on like this. I cried out to God daily to deliver me. Having been raised in the church, I refused to take medication because I had heard so many times that starting a medication was like telling God that I didn't believe He had the power to heal me. I went to church every Sunday and believed with all of my heart that this would be the day that God would take it from me, but as darkness would fall and the night would set in, I would lie awake and shake for hours with extreme anxiety and fear. Not wanting to bother anyone, I would long for the daylight to come where there would at least be someone awake to sit with me and bear me up in prayer. Some nights it was so bad that I actually did wake my husband, or call my parents or my pastor and beg them to pray for me. They would pray and stay awake with me until the daylight came. Only then was I able to stop shaking and finally take a short nap.

During this season, my husband was working on a ship and his job required him to go away for two months at a time. The day came that he had to leave and I was terrified to be alone. I laid awake and literally shook through the entire first night that he was gone. This night I couldn’t even find the strength to call anyone to ask for prayer. In the morning I packed up my two children and went to stay with my parents. While at their house I continued to sink deeper and deeper.

Eventually I began to resolve that it was better for me to not be alive than to be living like this.

I went for a walk alone one day and in my irrational thinking I stood on the rocks of a cliff and fought with everything that was in me not to jump. As much as I knew that this was the wrong thing to do, I also felt there was no other way out, and that my family and my children would be better off without me in the mess that I was currently in.

Somehow, I found the courage that day to walk away from that cliff, mainly because I felt that if I ended my life, I would be letting down the people who loved me the most and they would be disappointed in me. Given that I am very much a people pleaser, disappointing them was something that I couldn’t do.

I believe it was only the grace of God that kept me from jumping that day.

As I walked home, I battled once again with the idea of starting medication. I knew I was very sick. I didn't want to be faithless and give in when God was able to carry me through, yet, I knew that I could not go on living in this condition.

When I got home that day I realized that it was Good Friday. I decided to go with my parents to the local Good Friday service. I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house. As I sat in that service and heard the Good Friday message, it had never sounded more beautiful than it did in that moment. The pastor reminded us that there was hope because of Christ’s sacrifice for us. That death was defeated, and Jesus had overcome so that we could live an abundant life. In that moment, the heaviness, and the desire to end my life began to lift and I knew that God was intervening. I called my husband that night and told him how I had been feeling. He was on the next flight home.

I'd like to say that at that moment I was healed of my depression, but this was not the case. Instead, I was learning to be totally dependent on God for my daily strength.

For instance, in my darkest moments I would get a phone call with a word of encouragement, a specific scripture verse would come to my mind that spoke directly to my situation, or the lyrics of a song seemed to lie upon my heart that reminded me that He was near, that He cared and was not going to leave me alone.

Throughout this time there were a few friends that I talked with and shared what I was going through. These dear friends prayed with me, believed with me, and cried out to God on my behalf when I didn't have the strength or the energy to do it myself. My best friend was living in Fort McMurray, and knowing the awful place that I was in she decided to come home for a few days to spend some time with me.

She helped with the baby, she played with my two-year-old, she listened to my fears, she talked with my husband, she wrapped her arms around me during my panic attacks holding me so tightly that I was physically unable to shake. She literally did everything that she could possibly do to alleviate some of the strain of our situation.

Then on our last day together we went for a drive. As we drove I shared my frustration that although I was crying out with everything that was in me for God to heal me, for some reason He was choosing not to. Instead, I was faced with the harsh reality of still having to live this nightmare. Knowing that she had little time left before going back home, my dear friend voiced the words that had been lying so strongly on her heart in the past two weeks that she had been with me. Although she fully believed that God could take this depression from me, my friend was also a nurse, she felt that I was in desperate need of medical treatment for my condition.

In that moment she looked at me and said

"Tammy, as your friend I can totally understand why you have not gotten treatment for this, but as a nurse, I strongly believe that you need medication".

She then went on to talk with me about the fact that if I had been dealing with a heart condition or diabetes, I would have long since gotten treatment for my illness, and that this situation was no different. I was sick, and this sickness was totally debilitating not only me but my family as well.

She urged me to consider, that the same God who made provision for the discovery of insulin, also gave the medical wisdom for the invention of antidepressants.

My God did not want me to suffer when there were things out there that could help me be the person that I truly was meant to be, and enjoy the beautiful children that he had blessed me with.

I am so thankful for my friend’s courage that day to speak the words I did not want to hear, but so desperately needed. The next day I went and filled the prescription that my doctor had given me. He prescribed it a month before, but I had refused to take it. In just a short time I began to feel better. It was as if the darkness began to slowly fade away. Then one day I woke up and noticed that the sun was shining. Something I hadn't noticed in a very long time. I then realized that I had not given up on God or submitted to my weakness or failure by accepting treatment for my condition, I was simply accepting the provision that was made available for me through the miraculous invention of medicine.

I'll never know exactly why God chose not to give me immediate deliverance from my depression. But I do know that had I been immediately healed, I would not have learned to lean on God in the way that I did.

When the darkness was overwhelming me there was no other place to look but up to Him for the strength to get me through each moment.

Isaiah 43:2 says “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.” (NIV)

In my devastating situation, God proved this verse to be true, and as I longed for it to be over I lived moment by moment on the strength that He provided. There have been times since then that the darkness of depression has crept into my life again, but each time I cry out to God and cling to the resources that are available to me. This has allowed me to rise above the confines of my condition and live the life that he desires me to enjoy.

I also believe God has entrusted me with bringing a message to people in this world who have too long believed that seeking treatment for this illness is admitting a lack of faith in God's delivering power.

As a nurse, I am extremely aware that despite international efforts to target mental illness, depression and anxiety are continually on the rise in our world today. As a Christian, I also know that the stigma that goes along with this illness has not dissolved, in society or in the church.

I pray that my story will somehow touch the heart of someone who is struggling with depression and has been told by one too many people that God does not want them to take medication.

Do I believe that everyone that goes through a low point in their lives needs treatment? Definitely not. However, I do believe that there are situations whereby individuals are deeply suffering from clinical depression, are accepting the lie that treatment is showing a lack of faith in God, and this is preventing them from receiving what they need to overcome.

Jesus didn’t choose to heal Martha’s brother as she thought He would. In fact, Lazarus had to die before he was ever healed. When Jesus finally showed up Lazarus had been dead for four days. Martha’s hope was long gone.

But Jesus, being true to the words He spoke to His disciples when He said "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." (John 11:4) said in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" (John 11:43, NIV)

And Lazarus rose from the grave. Jesus restored life and hope not only to Lazarus, Martha and their sister Mary, but the entire community around them.

Shortly after my bout of depression I found the song “Four days late” by Karen Peck and New River. The words were like oil to my soul.

You see, there were times in my weakness that I had also thought all hope was gone. There were times when I was surviving only because my body continued to draw breath despite myself. But God did show up.

In the midst of my situation. He spoke to me through His word, and through the love of my family and friends. Most specifically, He spoke to me through my dear friend who was not afraid to speak the truth to me that my healing would not come the way I wanted to see it, but it would come nonetheless.

Maybe you’re fighting your own battle, and you are crying out to the Lord in desperation as I did. I want you to know I have been where you are, but God did show up. So my message to you comes from the words of that song,

"You may be fighting a battle of fear

You've cried to the Lord I need You now!

But He has not appeared.

Friend don't be discouraged

Cause He's still the same

He'll soon be here He'll roll back the stone

And He'll call out your name"

To hear the full song CLICK HERE!

I pray you were encouraged today as Tammy poured out her heart.

God has given Tammy a platform to speak into the lives of others who may also be struggling with depression or mental illness, and feeling like their life is full of unwanted disruptions.

CLICK HERE to contact Tammy Joy Richards to speak at an upcoming event.

or for your copy of "Dreaming Big, Being Bold"

Now for one final nugget of inspiration that sums up today's message, listen to "All I need to know" - Brooke Nicholls